Christian and Syed ficlets
by Helena363
Summary: Christian Clarke and Syed Masood from EastEnders. A series of short pieces of writing that needed a home. The pieces of writing might not all be in chronological order, but hopefully the time period will be obvious from the writing.
1. Couldn't or Shouldn't?

**A/N: This isn't really a story but really a selection of small sections of writing that I couldn't fit into any of my other stories. Sorry for being AWOL for so long - I've had a bad case of writers block! I don't know how often this will be updated, but all random bits and bobs will end up here.**

**This is a short piece of writing - almost short enough to be a drabble - that I had the idea for when in the shower this morning, and I'm going to post it before I talk myself out of it! No copyright infringement intended; the characters belong to the BBC. I'm just having fun with them. :) The next ficlet should be up very soon.  
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Syed watched as Christian walked away, without even a backwards glance, and tapped his foot against the pavement in a concentrated effort to prevent himself from running after him and begging him to stay. He knew he had to keep up appearances.

Again and again, in his culture, he'd been told that he _would_ grow up to marry a nice Muslim girl, and he'd live happily ever after, bringing up their children with love in the way he'd been brought up.

He'd been told that he could not love a man; that it wasn't possible.

But it was only now, as he felt his heart painfully tearing itself out of his chest, that he realised there was a huge difference between _couldn't_ and _shouldn't_.


	2. Normal

Syed didn't know what to do. Christian or Amira. Amira or Christian. They both represented different things. Amira was beautiful, kind and fashionable. And he could see those things; it wasn't her fault she could never make him happy. She was almost exactly his mother's idea of a perfect wife – now that she'd warmed to her, of course. He didn't think he could survive without the respect and support of his family, his friends, his community. But then there was Christian. Dear Christian. He was the only person who had made Syed feel that maybe these feelings he had weren't wrong, filthy and sinful. Maybe they were natural... and right.

Admittedly, he had spent the last 5 months convincing himself that it wasn't love - that he'd be able to forget and get over these urges if he was just given the chance. But there was no denying how he felt when Christian walked into the room. How the atmosphere in the air could change so rapidly simply due to his arrival. Syed was so stressed and wound up most of the time, busy working for his parents to their high standard, helping his fiancée organise a wedding that just had to be 'extra' and convincing himself that he wasn't gay. Convincing himself that he was normal... _this_ was normal.

But just seeing Christian caused everything to fall into place. Suddenly, he was calm. Suddenly, nothing else mattered. Suddenly, he could be himself again.

Syed tried to pretend nothing had changed, turning his back on the one thing he could look at forever and getting on with whatever he was doing, and the act was successful every time. Nobody noticed how his shoulders sagged slightly with relief, how his mouth spread into a subtle involuntary grin, or how his eyes twinkled. But Christian noticed. He knew Christian noticed. His mouth would twitch and his eyes would smile, like he knew Syed better than Syed even knew himself. That annoyed him intensely, but he put up with it. Because he loved him. Because he couldn't stop him. Because he didn't want him to stop.

Syed was so envious of every other Muslim man he saw. They were happy, and normal, and had loving wives, friends, families and communities. All Syed had was a sham fiancée, a bossy mother, a bunch of 'friends' who he knew would turn their backs on him if he stepped a toe out of line, and a myriad of secrets that tainted his every moment. His current life was somehow balancing precariously on a pin point... but it would fall soon. One way or the other.

He so desperately wished he was normal, too.

No, he didn't. Because if he was, he would never have fallen in love with Christian. And that idea was almost too painful to bear.


End file.
